Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been caught up in the new game Call of Duty: Black Ops. I'm addicted and need help. I don't really like the actual war game but I can't stop playing Zombies online.
Anyway, tonight's post is going to be about ridiculous porn titles. Where the hell do people come up with some of these titles? Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you the top 20 most ridiculous porn titles!
1. Rumpled Foreskin [Rumple Stiltskin]
2. Rambone [Rambo]
3. Forest Hump [Forest Gump]
4. The Walking Head [The Walking Dead]
5. Shaving Ryan's Privates [Saving Private Ryan]
6. Alice in Boner Land [Alice in Wonderland]
7. Crabby Shack [Caddy Shack]
8. Who's Eating Gilbert's Grape [What's Eating Gilbert Grape]
9. Willy Bonk Ya [Willy Wonka]
10. The Knob [The Blob]
11. School of Cock [School of Rock]
12. Call of Booty: Modern Affair [Call of Duty: Modern Warfare] *video game
13. Resident Penile [Resident Evil]
14. Biocock [Bioshock] *video game
15. Office Sprays [Office Space]
16. Harry Twatter [Harry Potter]
17. Horny Mooners [Honey Mooners]
18. House of 1,000 Torsos [House of 1,000 Corpses]
19. Tight Club [Fight Club]
20. The Secret Bimbo [The Secret Window]
Now, if this list didn't make you laugh your ass off or at least crack a smile, try to find a fucking sense of humor :]
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Apartment Life
I keep telling myself "I will never live in an apartment again!", yet I find myself living in one at the moment. I can't stand it. I always get stuck by some fucking douche bags who make my apartment life a living hell. Thank God I don't have any neighbors who share walls, but I do have a group of heathens living below me. Let me tell you a little bit about them. Just about every morning at the crack of dawn, they blare wild music from their stereo with heavy bass that vibrates up the wall and wakes me up. You see, in this apartment complex, the living room and one of the bedrooms share a wall. So when these fucking idiots blast music in their living room, it travels up said wall and I can hear it clearly. Also, they have kids who are more like untrained monkeys wreaking havoc. They scream loudly as they play in the backyard that is right outside of my bedroom window. They blow on fucking kazoos almost every day. I guess they have contests to see who can blow on one the longest. I wish one of them would just pass out and scare the other kids from blowing on any kazoo for the rest of their lives.
These kids bounce balls against the apartment building, that's right, the part that is my bedroom. Their parents argue and slam things around downstairs. The "man of the house" likes to go out to his car, pop the trunk and blare ridiculous music with bass so heavy that I kid you not, our apartment walls and floor vibrate and it wakes my kid up. I have asked them to turn it down, yet they continue to do all of this. They have a baby that screams more than any baby I've ever met. I'm not talking about crying, I'm talking screaming. It can't be older than a few months, but damn, it has some lungs on it.
You see, I know that I have people living below me, so when I first moved in, I tried to walk as quietly as I could, I kept things at a reasonable volume and made sure my kid knew not to make too much noise but now I don't even care. Fuck it. I blare movies at 2am, laugh wildly at the top of my lungs about nothing late at night. I walk as hard as possible around the apartment, and I make sure my car lights are on when I pull up to the building [since their bedroom window faces the parking lot], and sit in my car for a second, lights shining into their bedroom window.
I've been so close to opening my window and yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" so many times. Even to the kids. ALL hours of the night and day I have to listen to heavy bass, loud music, doors slamming, kazoos blowing, balls bouncing, etc. Now it's time for a little revenge. Any ideas? :]
These kids bounce balls against the apartment building, that's right, the part that is my bedroom. Their parents argue and slam things around downstairs. The "man of the house" likes to go out to his car, pop the trunk and blare ridiculous music with bass so heavy that I kid you not, our apartment walls and floor vibrate and it wakes my kid up. I have asked them to turn it down, yet they continue to do all of this. They have a baby that screams more than any baby I've ever met. I'm not talking about crying, I'm talking screaming. It can't be older than a few months, but damn, it has some lungs on it.
You see, I know that I have people living below me, so when I first moved in, I tried to walk as quietly as I could, I kept things at a reasonable volume and made sure my kid knew not to make too much noise but now I don't even care. Fuck it. I blare movies at 2am, laugh wildly at the top of my lungs about nothing late at night. I walk as hard as possible around the apartment, and I make sure my car lights are on when I pull up to the building [since their bedroom window faces the parking lot], and sit in my car for a second, lights shining into their bedroom window.
I've been so close to opening my window and yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" so many times. Even to the kids. ALL hours of the night and day I have to listen to heavy bass, loud music, doors slamming, kazoos blowing, balls bouncing, etc. Now it's time for a little revenge. Any ideas? :]
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Welcome to Deli Hell
Never again will I work in a food-related business. Never. I can't stand the employees who get God complexes just because they're manager, assistant manager, or shift leader of a fast food business. I can't stand the picky, whiny, indecisive customers. I can't stand the way your clothes and hair smell when you get home after work.
Let me tell you a little bit about my personal experiences in working in a food-related business. I shall call this place Deli Hell. All names of the employees will be changed to protect the fucking stupid!
First off, you're forced to wear the ugliest uniforms known to mankind. As soon as you try on said uniform, you look in the mirror and mumble "Fuck my life" and hope to God no one that you know comes in while you're working. Next, you're introduced to the staff, who all seem nice enough, right? I mean...they're smiling. Then you find out why they're smiling. Since you're the new person, you've been secretly voted "slave" of the company. Everyone takes advantage of you and makes you do everything and insist that you "need to learn". They'll do this for days, even if you learn everything in 5 minutes. I mean, how long could it take someone to learn how to prep vegetables and do your end-of-shift cleaning? I learned extremely quick but I decided to secretly play dumb and milk the whole "new person" thing for what it was worth. Meaning, every time someone told me to do something, instead of their lazy asses doing it themselves, I'd pretend like I didn't know how, ask a million questions, ask them to show me how, etc.
I sat back sometimes and watched how friendly everyone was to one another, then noticed as soon as someone clocked out and went home, the others talked shit about that person and whined and bitched about something that person said or did. I decided it'd be best to keep my mouth shut when it came to the other employees. I trusted these people as far as I could throw them, which would never happen because I'd never be able to pick any of them up, considering how oddly obese they all were, even though they worked at a "healthy" deli fast food place.
Then comes the customers...you have snotty ass people come in, their noses so high in the air you think their necks will snap any second, over sized sun glasses perched atop their fried, unnatural colored hair. These people snap their orders at you and obsess over everything. "That bread's too flat. That bread's too fluffy. Those tomatoes are too ripe. That's not enough lettuce. I want three shakes of salt, one line of mayonnaise." Sometimes I just wanted to smile and tell them to fuck off, then take off my uniform and quit, like in the movies. But I stuck with it and made the fake bitches' sandwiches.
Then you have these mousy people who whisper their fucking orders. HELLO!? We have the radio going over the restaurant's speakers, and a handful of machines that hum and buzz behind me, not to mention, you're standing behind a glass sneeze guard. These people irritate me the most. Why? Because I HATE repeating myself. So after I repeatedly ask them what kind of bread or sandwich they want, and after I continually ask "What was that?" THEY have the nerve to get an attitude at me. Look, if you don't want to repeat yourself and you don't want me asking you "What was that?" a million times, talk at a reasonable fucking volume!
Now, back to the employees. Let me just tell you a little bit about each employee. You have the manager, Kathy, who was a couple years younger than me and really overweight. One of those people that think their shit don't stink, you know? One of the biggest liars I've met and a horrible one at that. I have a sixth sense...it lets me know when someone's giving me a bunch of bull. My radar was always sky high around her.
Then there's the assistant manager, Shelly. She looked like a crack whore bumpkin. Literally. Cricket teeth and everything. A bit of a bitch, too. She MIGHT have been younger than me, but if she was, she didn't show it. Could've been that she actually was older than me, or it could've been all those drugs she probably does.
Next we have a girl we'll name Dina. She was 8 months pregnant, but you can tell she was naturally fat before the pregnancy. Another cracked out bumpkin.
Then there was Steph, she was shift leader most of the times I worked. My impression of her: stuck up, fake, two-faced, moody, bitchy, etc. She REALLY let the whole "Shift Leader" thing get to her head. She was my age.
Now, all of these employees were THE most uneducated people I had ever met in my life. I felt like I was losing IQ points just by working around them. Most of them had been employed there for years. That's nice and all, but um...who honestly wants to make a career out of working at Deli Hell? I guess uneducated country bumpkins who never saw the inside of too many class rooms and who probably wouldn't know a High School Diploma or text book if one of them slapped them in the face.
I remember one conversation clearly. I was prepping some vegetables while fat ass Dina and bitchy Steph talked about how much they loved porn. I simply said "That's so degrading to women." and they looked at me and Dina asked "What's that mean?" And you see, I have an extraordinary vocabulary, but when it comes to explaining the meanings of some of those words, I'm at a loss. Not that it would've mattered to these idiots. I tried to put it in the simplest way I could. So I said "You know in school if you get an A, that's good? Well let's say the teacher decided to take your grade down to an F. That'd be bad...it'd be DEGRADING." Dina and Steph looked at me, looked at each other, then Dina said "But porn's rated R." [insert record scratching noise] Ok, what!?! First off...porn is NOT rated R! You dumb fucking bitch! Secondly, that has NOTHING to do with what I said! Ugh, I gave up and went back to my work.
This was the worst job I had ever had. I'd love to go on but this post is getting extremely long. I might post more later in a post titled, "Welcome to Deli Hell 2", fitting, huh? :]
Let me tell you a little bit about my personal experiences in working in a food-related business. I shall call this place Deli Hell. All names of the employees will be changed to protect the fucking stupid!
First off, you're forced to wear the ugliest uniforms known to mankind. As soon as you try on said uniform, you look in the mirror and mumble "Fuck my life" and hope to God no one that you know comes in while you're working. Next, you're introduced to the staff, who all seem nice enough, right? I mean...they're smiling. Then you find out why they're smiling. Since you're the new person, you've been secretly voted "slave" of the company. Everyone takes advantage of you and makes you do everything and insist that you "need to learn". They'll do this for days, even if you learn everything in 5 minutes. I mean, how long could it take someone to learn how to prep vegetables and do your end-of-shift cleaning? I learned extremely quick but I decided to secretly play dumb and milk the whole "new person" thing for what it was worth. Meaning, every time someone told me to do something, instead of their lazy asses doing it themselves, I'd pretend like I didn't know how, ask a million questions, ask them to show me how, etc.
I sat back sometimes and watched how friendly everyone was to one another, then noticed as soon as someone clocked out and went home, the others talked shit about that person and whined and bitched about something that person said or did. I decided it'd be best to keep my mouth shut when it came to the other employees. I trusted these people as far as I could throw them, which would never happen because I'd never be able to pick any of them up, considering how oddly obese they all were, even though they worked at a "healthy" deli fast food place.
Then comes the customers...you have snotty ass people come in, their noses so high in the air you think their necks will snap any second, over sized sun glasses perched atop their fried, unnatural colored hair. These people snap their orders at you and obsess over everything. "That bread's too flat. That bread's too fluffy. Those tomatoes are too ripe. That's not enough lettuce. I want three shakes of salt, one line of mayonnaise." Sometimes I just wanted to smile and tell them to fuck off, then take off my uniform and quit, like in the movies. But I stuck with it and made the fake bitches' sandwiches.
Then you have these mousy people who whisper their fucking orders. HELLO!? We have the radio going over the restaurant's speakers, and a handful of machines that hum and buzz behind me, not to mention, you're standing behind a glass sneeze guard. These people irritate me the most. Why? Because I HATE repeating myself. So after I repeatedly ask them what kind of bread or sandwich they want, and after I continually ask "What was that?" THEY have the nerve to get an attitude at me. Look, if you don't want to repeat yourself and you don't want me asking you "What was that?" a million times, talk at a reasonable fucking volume!
Now, back to the employees. Let me just tell you a little bit about each employee. You have the manager, Kathy, who was a couple years younger than me and really overweight. One of those people that think their shit don't stink, you know? One of the biggest liars I've met and a horrible one at that. I have a sixth sense...it lets me know when someone's giving me a bunch of bull. My radar was always sky high around her.
Then there's the assistant manager, Shelly. She looked like a crack whore bumpkin. Literally. Cricket teeth and everything. A bit of a bitch, too. She MIGHT have been younger than me, but if she was, she didn't show it. Could've been that she actually was older than me, or it could've been all those drugs she probably does.
Next we have a girl we'll name Dina. She was 8 months pregnant, but you can tell she was naturally fat before the pregnancy. Another cracked out bumpkin.
Then there was Steph, she was shift leader most of the times I worked. My impression of her: stuck up, fake, two-faced, moody, bitchy, etc. She REALLY let the whole "Shift Leader" thing get to her head. She was my age.
Now, all of these employees were THE most uneducated people I had ever met in my life. I felt like I was losing IQ points just by working around them. Most of them had been employed there for years. That's nice and all, but um...who honestly wants to make a career out of working at Deli Hell? I guess uneducated country bumpkins who never saw the inside of too many class rooms and who probably wouldn't know a High School Diploma or text book if one of them slapped them in the face.
I remember one conversation clearly. I was prepping some vegetables while fat ass Dina and bitchy Steph talked about how much they loved porn. I simply said "That's so degrading to women." and they looked at me and Dina asked "What's that mean?" And you see, I have an extraordinary vocabulary, but when it comes to explaining the meanings of some of those words, I'm at a loss. Not that it would've mattered to these idiots. I tried to put it in the simplest way I could. So I said "You know in school if you get an A, that's good? Well let's say the teacher decided to take your grade down to an F. That'd be bad...it'd be DEGRADING." Dina and Steph looked at me, looked at each other, then Dina said "But porn's rated R." [insert record scratching noise] Ok, what!?! First off...porn is NOT rated R! You dumb fucking bitch! Secondly, that has NOTHING to do with what I said! Ugh, I gave up and went back to my work.
This was the worst job I had ever had. I'd love to go on but this post is getting extremely long. I might post more later in a post titled, "Welcome to Deli Hell 2", fitting, huh? :]
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Driving Lessons 101
1. Forget all about those things called turn signals; everyone loves it when you keep them guessing.
2. So much excitement comes from merely tapping on the brake pedal repeatedly for no apparent fucking reason. Ignore the angry faces of those behind you, they haven't discovered the joys of brake tapping yet.
3. When it comes to using your brights, go ahead and use them whenever you feel it's necessary, even if there are cars up ahead of you.
4. Hands? Who said you need to drive with your hands? That's so 2008! Everyone drives with their knees nowadays.
5. Speed limit signs are only suggestions. No one really expects you to follow them.
6. Stop signs are only for decoration. They're placed to simply add "pop" to a neighborhood so feel free to blow right through them, even if small children are at play.
7. Cell phones were made so that you could talk on them while you drive. DUH!
Is this what the new driving instructors are teaching their students? Sure seems like it. Fucking idiots.
If I were in charge of all of this, you would NOT be allowed to get your license until you were 19 years of age. There's no way in hell a 16 year old is mature enough to drive without adult supervision.
I'd also make it so that you'd have to retake the actual driving test every 5 years until you hit 65, then it'd just automatically be revoked.
I'd make the driving test like an amusement ride, with a sign saying "You must be THIS tall to drive." Anyone under a certain height wouldn't be allowed to drive. Why the hell do they even give tests to people who can't see over the fucking steering wheel?
I guess all of you ignorant, stupid ass drivers should be lucky I'm not president.
2. So much excitement comes from merely tapping on the brake pedal repeatedly for no apparent fucking reason. Ignore the angry faces of those behind you, they haven't discovered the joys of brake tapping yet.
3. When it comes to using your brights, go ahead and use them whenever you feel it's necessary, even if there are cars up ahead of you.
4. Hands? Who said you need to drive with your hands? That's so 2008! Everyone drives with their knees nowadays.
5. Speed limit signs are only suggestions. No one really expects you to follow them.
6. Stop signs are only for decoration. They're placed to simply add "pop" to a neighborhood so feel free to blow right through them, even if small children are at play.
7. Cell phones were made so that you could talk on them while you drive. DUH!
Is this what the new driving instructors are teaching their students? Sure seems like it. Fucking idiots.
If I were in charge of all of this, you would NOT be allowed to get your license until you were 19 years of age. There's no way in hell a 16 year old is mature enough to drive without adult supervision.
I'd also make it so that you'd have to retake the actual driving test every 5 years until you hit 65, then it'd just automatically be revoked.
I'd make the driving test like an amusement ride, with a sign saying "You must be THIS tall to drive." Anyone under a certain height wouldn't be allowed to drive. Why the hell do they even give tests to people who can't see over the fucking steering wheel?
I guess all of you ignorant, stupid ass drivers should be lucky I'm not president.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Use a Fucking Rubber!!!
If you're too fucking lazy and irresponsible to take care of a child, use a fucking condom when you have sex. Or better yet, don't have sex at all!!! What the fuck is wrong with the world today!?! It absolutely sickens me and hurts my heart when I hear stories of babies being killed. I wish I could remain blissfully ignorant to subjects such as this, but I can't. It makes me cry and I think every single one of the fuckers who kills a baby should be tortured to death.
If you want to know what got me started on this rant, just click here to read about a mother who killed her baby because it interrupted her game on Facebook.
I could go on forever about this, but I'm fucking disgusted and I want to go find something to do to take my mind off of it.
If you want to know what got me started on this rant, just click here to read about a mother who killed her baby because it interrupted her game on Facebook.
I could go on forever about this, but I'm fucking disgusted and I want to go find something to do to take my mind off of it.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Walmart
Why the hell does Walmart only ever have [at the most] 5 check out lanes open??? They have about 20+ check out lanes!!! I can understand only having 5 or so open late at night but at 9pm...10pm. Why? Why piss people off so much? And none of those 5 are "20 Items or Less" lanes. So if you have ONE item and everyone else has 50, you have to stand there while your shit melts and spoils because none of the fucking douche bags in front of you are polite enough to say "Oh, you can go ahead since you only have one item." No, they'd rather be dicks and let your shit go to waste while their fat asses take their sweet time putting all this shit on the conveyor belt that they shouldn't be buying in the first place. Like ice cream, chips, soda, cookies, etc. Buddy, you're disturbingly obese. Put that shit back and grab the ingredients to make a salad. And don't give me that shit about you having problems with your weight, because the only problem you have is not being able to control your junk food intake.
Another thing I hate about Walmart...why the fuck are their "cart return" things so few and far between? It's like a wild fucking goose chase every time you want to be that good Samaritan and put your cart where it goes. No wonder everyone just puts their carts in random ass spots. It's not that they're necessarily lazy, they just don't feel like walking all over hell and back to find the damn cart return places.
With all that said, I'm going to end this post with a simple picture...
Another thing I hate about Walmart...why the fuck are their "cart return" things so few and far between? It's like a wild fucking goose chase every time you want to be that good Samaritan and put your cart where it goes. No wonder everyone just puts their carts in random ass spots. It's not that they're necessarily lazy, they just don't feel like walking all over hell and back to find the damn cart return places.
With all that said, I'm going to end this post with a simple picture...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Oh look, a contest...
Hey everyone, there's a contest going on...There's a new show starting on AMC as of Halloween night and the show is having a contest on their website to see who can get the most "clicks" I guess to let people know about the show.
Anyway each person gets their own, unique URL and every time someone clicks on it, it keeps track and whoever wins gets money and stuff like that.
So please click here to help ME get some "clicks" or whatever. And if you end up participating in the contest, I'll click your URL for you, just post it as a comment on here.
Thank you.
Anyway each person gets their own, unique URL and every time someone clicks on it, it keeps track and whoever wins gets money and stuff like that.
So please click here to help ME get some "clicks" or whatever. And if you end up participating in the contest, I'll click your URL for you, just post it as a comment on here.
Thank you.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
What the Fuck?
I read an article today about a Chinese woman who was forced to have an abortion when she was 8 months pregnant because the baby would have violated the country's one-child limit. What the fuck is that about?!?
So let me get this straight...we Americans can send students to China to live and work, even though China's heavily overpopulated, but they have one-child limits on families and force the women to have abortions if they already have a child?!? Again...what the fuck?!? Jesus, I'm glad I don't live over there. I know they're overpopulated but that's murder! Those are living babies! My God, by the time they're 8 months in the womb, their bones are already formed and their lungs are almost completely mature. All I can say is that I will never visit China. I'm completely disgusted by the way their government handles things. To me, they're nothing but inhuman, baby murdering assholes! I feel so sorry for the people who are stuck living there.
If you want to read the story for yourself, click here. It'll redirect you to Yahoo! News.
Monday, October 18, 2010
"Tonight's the night...and it's going to happen again and again..."
"Beauty and the Beast" is the title of tonight's episode of Dexter. It was definitely intense. There were some heart stopping, edge of your seat, hold your breath type of moments and as usual, the episode ended in a cliff hanger, making the audience anxious for next week's episode. If you do not have Showtime, or if you missed tonight's episode and don't mind watching it online, check it out at www.ch131.com. You can find it on the home page at the top under "TV Shows".
If you're on Facebook, don't forget to "like" the Dexter page, where you can get your hands on videos, updates, discuss things with other Dexter fans, and join in on fun games and quizzes.
If you're on Facebook, don't forget to "like" the Dexter page, where you can get your hands on videos, updates, discuss things with other Dexter fans, and join in on fun games and quizzes.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
One Moment Please...
You know what I fuckin' hate? Calling a place and getting a stupid automated voice telling me my options. Well, what if what I'M calling for isn't on your fucking options menu??? Nothing is more irritating than calling a business and getting a machine on the other end. "For [bullshit] press 1, for [more bullshit] press 2..." etc. Yes, I know, some places, maybe most places, have the "To speak to a representative, press 0" option, but some places I call, do NOT have that option and so there's no fucking way for me to talk to a real person, and I just end up wasting [#] minutes and get pissed and irritable and then everything's ruined because I can't cross this ONE thing off my to-do list because some fucking douche bags in another state are too good to answer the fucking phone or their asses are so tight, they can't afford to hire real people to answer phones for them.
Welcome to the US of fucking A.
Welcome to the US of fucking A.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Side Effects
Have you guys ever noticed how the side effects of medications are worse than what you're taking them for? Take [insert medicine name here] for example...it's an antidepressant. I think, if given the choice between [antidepressant] and depression, I'd take depression, just because of the horrible side effects [antidepressant] causes. Here's just a few of the side effects...
Nausea, drowsiness, headaches, dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia, constipation, fatigue, diarrhea, loss of appetite, sore throat, weakness, sweating, vomiting, decreased sex drive, upper respiratory tract infection, coughing, shakiness, frequent urination, sexual side effects including ejaculation problems and orgasm problems, blurred vision, anxiety, weight loss, hot flashes, yawning, abdominal pain, vertigo, gas, indigestion or heartburn, seasonal allergies, muscle spasms, taste changes, suicidal thoughts and actions, and abnormal dreams.
WOW! So let's see...if I were depressed and began taking [antidepressant], I wouldn't be depressed but I'd be shitting and pissing myself and uncontrollably twitching and vomiting while stumbling through the house with blurred vision, praying I make it to the bathroom. Yeah, that medicine would definitely jerk me out of depression, want to know how? I'd probably be that one sad fucker that is of the few percentile who ends up committing suicide. Hey! I'm not depressed...cause I'm dead! What a life. Why must the world constantly turn to medicine for help? Just talk to people and help them through their problems in a natural, non life-threatening way.
Nausea, drowsiness, headaches, dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia, constipation, fatigue, diarrhea, loss of appetite, sore throat, weakness, sweating, vomiting, decreased sex drive, upper respiratory tract infection, coughing, shakiness, frequent urination, sexual side effects including ejaculation problems and orgasm problems, blurred vision, anxiety, weight loss, hot flashes, yawning, abdominal pain, vertigo, gas, indigestion or heartburn, seasonal allergies, muscle spasms, taste changes, suicidal thoughts and actions, and abnormal dreams.
WOW! So let's see...if I were depressed and began taking [antidepressant], I wouldn't be depressed but I'd be shitting and pissing myself and uncontrollably twitching and vomiting while stumbling through the house with blurred vision, praying I make it to the bathroom. Yeah, that medicine would definitely jerk me out of depression, want to know how? I'd probably be that one sad fucker that is of the few percentile who ends up committing suicide. Hey! I'm not depressed...cause I'm dead! What a life. Why must the world constantly turn to medicine for help? Just talk to people and help them through their problems in a natural, non life-threatening way.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Just One of Those Days
As you drive to work, of course, since you're late, you get stuck behind every single handicapped person, geriatric fuck, everyone else who drives 10mph under the speed limit and swerves occasionally on the road, and you hit every red light.
Once you arrive at work, you realize everyone took all of the close parking spots, so you park all the way out in BFE and walk, tripping on absolutely nothing as you do so, looking like a douche bag. When you finally arrive to work, they inform you that it is your day off, that you come in tomorrow. And it is at that moment that you mumble "Fuck my life" and proceed to leave and go home.
Quick Post
I know, I haven't updated in almost two whole days, shut up and get a life. Anyway, tonight's post is short, because I have a life and it's been busy lately. Enjoy and expect more tomorrow.
[These are some pictures I took of things while I was vacationing in Florida]
Friday, October 1, 2010
The List of Pretty Damn Cool Things To Do
1. Put rims on your car that cost more than your house.
2. Sag your pants so low people can't tell if you're wearing pants, shorts, or capris.
3. Blare your car stereo so loudly people can hear your car rattling.
4. Keep the tags on your clothes, hats, and shoes when you wear them out in public.
5. Text and talk on your cell phone while you drive.
6. Order something at a restaurant, eat more than half of it, then complain and try to get out of paying for it.
7. Go to a nice restaurant and tell the waiter/waitress right off the bat that you're in a hurry so make it quick.
8. Go tanning so much that your skin will look like leather in about 20 years.
9. Say 'aks' instead of 'ask'.
10. Put camouflage siding on your vehicle.
11. Put a huge ass muffler on your vehicle so that it sounds like a bad bowel movement when you speed down the road.
12. Blow right through stop signs, especially in neighborhoods where children often play.
13. [Guys] When you want the attention of a female, yell "AYE!" repeatedly.
14. When driving, stop in the middle of the road to carry on a conversation with a friend. Take your time, the long line of people behind you really don't give a shit.
15. When you rent a game or movie, go ahead and put your finger prints all over it and scratch the fuck out of it.
2. Sag your pants so low people can't tell if you're wearing pants, shorts, or capris.
3. Blare your car stereo so loudly people can hear your car rattling.
4. Keep the tags on your clothes, hats, and shoes when you wear them out in public.
5. Text and talk on your cell phone while you drive.
6. Order something at a restaurant, eat more than half of it, then complain and try to get out of paying for it.
7. Go to a nice restaurant and tell the waiter/waitress right off the bat that you're in a hurry so make it quick.
8. Go tanning so much that your skin will look like leather in about 20 years.
9. Say 'aks' instead of 'ask'.
10. Put camouflage siding on your vehicle.
11. Put a huge ass muffler on your vehicle so that it sounds like a bad bowel movement when you speed down the road.
12. Blow right through stop signs, especially in neighborhoods where children often play.
13. [Guys] When you want the attention of a female, yell "AYE!" repeatedly.
14. When driving, stop in the middle of the road to carry on a conversation with a friend. Take your time, the long line of people behind you really don't give a shit.
15. When you rent a game or movie, go ahead and put your finger prints all over it and scratch the fuck out of it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I'm Lovin' It
That's the famous McDonald's phrase, is it not? Tell me...exactly what is 'it' everyone is lovin'? Could it be the chronic diarrhea and stomach cramps that come directly after eating their grease-dripping, half assed sandwiches? Maybe 'it' refers to the way the employs seem to hate their job and take their anger out on the customers. Wait...'it' COULD be how the employees never wear gloves when handling the food. Or the way they fuck up every single order. Let me tell you about MY personal experience with this shitty franchise.
EVERY single time I go, they fuck up my order. One time, it had been the last straw, so I logged on to their website to tell them exactly what I think of their service. I wrote a lengthy, strong-worded letter about their employees, their service, their food, etc. But of COURSE when I went to submit the damn letter, an error kept popping up, telling me to fill in the date, and every time I tried to do so, it wouldn't allow me to type anything in the given space. "Fuck it!" I thought, closing out of the website and calling their customer service line. What good did that do? It didn't do any good at all. They were closed and some stupid ass automated voice was telling me their hours of operation but I didn't give a shit. I wanted to complain right then and there so that they could hear how pissed I was about their service. If I waited until the next day to call, the rant wouldn't be as heart-felt and the point wouldn't get across.
So "I'm lovin' it" MUST refer to people loving being fucked by McDonald's.
I, personally, think their little phrase should be "McDonald's, expect to get fucked" and instead of the gay ass little yellow arches on top of their signs, it should just be a giant erection with a devious smile, pointing out at everyone.
EVERY single time I go, they fuck up my order. One time, it had been the last straw, so I logged on to their website to tell them exactly what I think of their service. I wrote a lengthy, strong-worded letter about their employees, their service, their food, etc. But of COURSE when I went to submit the damn letter, an error kept popping up, telling me to fill in the date, and every time I tried to do so, it wouldn't allow me to type anything in the given space. "Fuck it!" I thought, closing out of the website and calling their customer service line. What good did that do? It didn't do any good at all. They were closed and some stupid ass automated voice was telling me their hours of operation but I didn't give a shit. I wanted to complain right then and there so that they could hear how pissed I was about their service. If I waited until the next day to call, the rant wouldn't be as heart-felt and the point wouldn't get across.
So "I'm lovin' it" MUST refer to people loving being fucked by McDonald's.
I, personally, think their little phrase should be "McDonald's, expect to get fucked" and instead of the gay ass little yellow arches on top of their signs, it should just be a giant erection with a devious smile, pointing out at everyone.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
What's That Aboot, Eh?
Ok, I'm sure this is old news, but this is a new blog, therefore, this subject is something I want to discuss.
What the HELL is up with Canada's new speed bumps? They're an optical illusion of a child.
This...is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard of, for a couple of reasons:
A: People might try to swerve to "miss" the child and freak out even more as they feel the "bump bump" under their tires.
B: Drunk people [or just idiots] might see an actual child in the road and think it's just a speed bump and run it over.
Whoever thought this up is officially the world's biggest dumbass. Obviously this wasn't a well thought out plan. Maybe Canada should stick with what they know best, Ice Hockey.
[Sorry tonight's post is so short. I just haven't been exposed to any douche bags today. Maybe they've all started hibernating...we can only hope]. :]
What the HELL is up with Canada's new speed bumps? They're an optical illusion of a child.
A: People might try to swerve to "miss" the child and freak out even more as they feel the "bump bump" under their tires.
B: Drunk people [or just idiots] might see an actual child in the road and think it's just a speed bump and run it over.
Whoever thought this up is officially the world's biggest dumbass. Obviously this wasn't a well thought out plan. Maybe Canada should stick with what they know best, Ice Hockey.
[Sorry tonight's post is so short. I just haven't been exposed to any douche bags today. Maybe they've all started hibernating...we can only hope]. :]
Monday, September 27, 2010
[Im]Patience is a Virtue?
I'm quite sure the phrase goes "Patience is a virtue" but I could be wrong, considering how impatient everyone is these days.
Today I was at a red light to go straight, the arrow turned green for cars turning left, and as a red car began to do so, a silver SUV [speeding through a red light] crashed into the red car, causing a huge wreck. The SUV's whole front end was totally destroyed, the windshield busted, and the red car's hood looked like an accordion and smoke billowed from the engine. Later, an ambulance arrived and had to whisk the people away to the hospital and both vehicles were completely totaled. So congratulations, Impatient SUV Driver! Completely destroying your car and having to be rushed to the hospital definitely beats sitting at a red light for a few minutes! You win the Boomer's Dumbass of the Week Award! I know, it's only Monday, but I feel confident that no one will surpass this moment of utter impatience and stupidity, and if they do, we'll just have a tie.
Today I was at a red light to go straight, the arrow turned green for cars turning left, and as a red car began to do so, a silver SUV [speeding through a red light] crashed into the red car, causing a huge wreck. The SUV's whole front end was totally destroyed, the windshield busted, and the red car's hood looked like an accordion and smoke billowed from the engine. Later, an ambulance arrived and had to whisk the people away to the hospital and both vehicles were completely totaled. So congratulations, Impatient SUV Driver! Completely destroying your car and having to be rushed to the hospital definitely beats sitting at a red light for a few minutes! You win the Boomer's Dumbass of the Week Award! I know, it's only Monday, but I feel confident that no one will surpass this moment of utter impatience and stupidity, and if they do, we'll just have a tie.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Caught Driving While Douche Bag
Douche bags...the world's full of them and I knew they wouldn't let me down tonight as I ventured to my mother's to watch the new episode of Dexter [since I don't get Showtime].
Let me begin by saying this...if you're driving at night and can see a car ahead of you in the distance, turn off your fucking brights! If I can see YOU, I know you can see ME! So be respectful and turn the damn things off. And another thing...if you're driving, put your damn cell phone DOWN! DON'T TOUCH IT! Is reading or sending a stupid ass text that reads "Lol" or "yeah" really worth your life? Well if you're pathetic enough to use your cell phone while driving, maybe it is.
Also, why the hell do people eat while they drive? I'm not talking about just a little candy bar or anything like that, I'm talking about whole fuckin' McDonald's meals. I've seen people stuffing their faces with Big Macs while driving down the highway. Just couldn't wait to get home and cook a real meal?
Today's people are so impatient, lazy, and just plain stupid. I could rant for hours but I'm getting pissed again just talking about these idiots.
On another note [a review], tonight's premiere of season 5 of Dexter was very good. Dark, emotional, dramatic. I don't want to be a spoiler so I'll just say that a couple of people in the show made some stupid decisions and I can't wait to tune in next Sunday and see what happens. If you missed the episode tonight, don't worry, tomorrow you should be able to watch it on http://www.ch131.com/
Goodnight.
Let me begin by saying this...if you're driving at night and can see a car ahead of you in the distance, turn off your fucking brights! If I can see YOU, I know you can see ME! So be respectful and turn the damn things off. And another thing...if you're driving, put your damn cell phone DOWN! DON'T TOUCH IT! Is reading or sending a stupid ass text that reads "Lol" or "yeah" really worth your life? Well if you're pathetic enough to use your cell phone while driving, maybe it is.
Also, why the hell do people eat while they drive? I'm not talking about just a little candy bar or anything like that, I'm talking about whole fuckin' McDonald's meals. I've seen people stuffing their faces with Big Macs while driving down the highway. Just couldn't wait to get home and cook a real meal?
Today's people are so impatient, lazy, and just plain stupid. I could rant for hours but I'm getting pissed again just talking about these idiots.
On another note [a review], tonight's premiere of season 5 of Dexter was very good. Dark, emotional, dramatic. I don't want to be a spoiler so I'll just say that a couple of people in the show made some stupid decisions and I can't wait to tune in next Sunday and see what happens. If you missed the episode tonight, don't worry, tomorrow you should be able to watch it on http://www.ch131.com/
Welcome
Sit down, shut up, and pay attention to this introduction. I'm easy to get along with, if you're not a complete douche bag. I always voice my opinions and mean everything I say, unless I'm being sarcastic [which I am 90% of the time]. And if you're already getting offended by this, stfu and leave, this blog isn't intended for pansies. This site may piss you off, but only if you take everything seriously. Honestly, I'm doing this blog for fun to give people a place to rant about anything, to blow off steam, to laugh and have fun, as well as read reviews on books, movies, tv shows, games...and so on [not that anyone gives a shit about my opinion] :]
So now...sit back, relax, and let the ranting begin. I'd start a nice rant right now but I don't feel like it. Check back a little later. I'm about to go out and I'm sure I'll run into quite a few douche bags that'll get my blood pumping and give me something to write about when I get home.
So now...sit back, relax, and let the ranting begin. I'd start a nice rant right now but I don't feel like it. Check back a little later. I'm about to go out and I'm sure I'll run into quite a few douche bags that'll get my blood pumping and give me something to write about when I get home.
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