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Saturday, January 29, 2011


Last night I had decided to visit a fast food business' drive thru. As soon as I arrived on the scene, I knew it had been a bad decision. It was red neck central at that exact moment. I'm talking about trucks with camo siding, huge fucking attenae sticking out the back of their vehicles with tennis balls attached, muddy ass 4 wheelers loaded in the beds of their trucks, and then...I saw the most horrifying thing of all. Just when I thought red necks couldn't get any fucking dumber, I pulled around to the drive through and saw that some dumbasses had a little cart thing attached to the back of their truck that they were using to haul deer carcasses on. Seriously! I mean who the fuck wants to see dead, bloodied deer when you're about to order food? For fuck's sake! Then the assholes pulled into a parking spot after getting their food so that anyone who missed this ghastly site would be sure to see it just as they got their food and would begin driving off. Yep, they parked in a spot right next to the drive thru window. I quickly whipped out my phone to try and get a picture while I waited in the drive thru line, but none of them turned out clear enough to view. Well, congratulations you dumb mother fuckers! I wasn't able to thoroughly enjoy my food and in fact, I almost couldn't even eat after seeing that. Next time, just throw the deer carcasses in the bed of your fucking truck so no one else has to see that shit! Especially if you plan on stopping by a restaurant!!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

For Fuck's Sake!

I'd like to take a moment to reflect on my day so far.
I woke up feeling sick and irritable, not to mention there was no way for me to get my caffeine fix this morning.
I had a package to mail off so I rushed to the post office with my packing slip and stood in line for a good fifteen minutes behind some geriatric fuck. When it was finally my turn, the mail lady gave me the evil eye and said "This is a Fed Ex label, they're across the street." OF COURSE! So I rushed to UPS, the ONLY building that the lady could have been talking about, just to find out that they couldn't take the package either and that the nearest Fed Ex was an hour away. BUT I could drive down the street and slip the package into the Fed Ex box in the parking lot of the animal clinic. So I decided to do that. Next, I had to go to AT&T to see about separating my bill from my ex's since we recently split. They couldn't do it in person and gave me some number to call. So I drove home and called only to find out that there was somehow a $4.09 amount past due that I'd have to pay before they could start the process of separating the mother fucking accounts. So my grumpy ass drove BACK to AT&T to pay the whole $4.09. Once I stepped inside, the only two sales reps around had me wait a minute while they finished their story before asking what they could do for me. I was then informed that there was a $5.00 service fee for paying in cash. For fuck's sake. As I stood at the computer while the guy pulled up my account information, he had the nerve to tell me to hold on as I was asking a question, so that he could proceed to continue talking to his co-worker about some party he missed out on and an "altercation" that had occurred. I was beyond irritated at that point, but being the classy, sophisticated lady I am, I waited patiently for the bitch to finish her story so that I may ask this guy a question. I was then charged $9.09 due to the service fee. Awesome. Now I have to wait for my ex to contact THEM so they can continue the process of separating the accounts. Awesome. When we were dating, he couldn't do a damn thing on his own. Looks like we'll be on the family plan forever. For fuck's sake!
Oh and how could I forget the fucking douche bags who cut me off today when I had been waiting in traffic for ten minutes. Oh and how I had hit every damn red light everywhere I went. And how everything took forever to do and I had to pee so badly I thought my bladder would burst and OF COURSE none of the places I had to go to today had a public restroom. Fuck my life.

Monday, January 3, 2011

That's Life

Just thought I'd update everyone on my life. Sorry I haven't written in a while, it's that damn Call of Duty game. It has me hooked. It's a legal form of crack!
Anyway, I'm still job hunting. My chances of becoming a pro gamer are 1 in a million, so I have to go out and apply at boring, normal places. Like AT&T. I applied there not too long ago and haven't heard anything. Today, I went there to pay my phone bill and some new lady was there. She was rather old and looked like a former crack head. I asked about my contract and she wrote down a number for me. Under the number she wrote "Finicial Services". I kid you not. Congratulations, AT&T. You didn't hire me, an educated young lady, but you hired a fucking illiterate dinosaur. Now in about 5 years when she decides to retire, you'll have to hire an educated young lady and I just might be too busy to answer your call.
In other news, relatives bought nothing but noise toys for my son for Christmas. Thank you, everyone. I already had trouble sleeping at night, but now I get to stay up ALL night hearing things squeak, click and sing gay songs.
My cousin and her boyfriend were visiting from out of town for about two weeks. They'd switch off and on between my house and her boyfriend's family's house. I love my cousin and her boyfriend, but after a while, you miss being able to run around half naked and being able to play Call of Duty without feeling like an asshole while everyone else sits around and talks. Also, you just start to hate trying to entertain everyone. It wouldn't have been so bad if all of us could have agreed on something. Instead it went like this...
"I want to play Call of Duty."
"I want to watch a movie."
"No, movies put me to sleep, and I'm tired of Call of Duty."
"Let's go shopping."
"We're too broke to go shopping."
"Window shopping is fun."
"No it's not, it's depressing."
"Well let's play a board game."
"We could .."

And that's pretty much how it went for two weeks. So while everyone argued over what to do, I nonchalantly put in Call of Duty and did what I wanted to do until they could agree on something. And of course, it was always the same when we wanted to listen to music.
"Let's listen to rap."
"Fuck that, put in Bob [Marley]."
"No, you can't dance to that, put techno."
"I have my death metal CDs in the car."
"EWW! No!"

And so on and so forth. So most of our time was spent in silence, doing nothing but stare at each other. Except for me. I spend most of the time playing Call of Duty and then others would see how much fun I was having and want to join in. Needless to say, next time people come to visit, I'll rent a hotel room for them :]

Monday, December 6, 2010

Now That's Just RiDICKulous!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been caught up in the new game Call of Duty: Black Ops. I'm addicted and need help. I don't really like the actual war game but I can't stop playing Zombies online.
Anyway, tonight's post is going to be about ridiculous porn titles. Where the hell do people come up with some of these titles? Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you the top 20 most ridiculous porn titles!

1. Rumpled Foreskin [Rumple Stiltskin]
2. Rambone [Rambo]
3. Forest Hump [Forest Gump]
4. The Walking Head [The Walking Dead]
5. Shaving Ryan's Privates [Saving Private Ryan]
6. Alice in Boner Land [Alice in Wonderland]
7. Crabby Shack [Caddy Shack]
8. Who's Eating Gilbert's Grape [What's Eating Gilbert Grape]
9. Willy Bonk Ya [Willy Wonka]
10. The Knob [The Blob]
11. School of Cock [School of Rock]
12. Call of Booty: Modern Affair [Call of Duty: Modern Warfare] *video game
13. Resident Penile [Resident Evil]
14. Biocock [Bioshock] *video game
15. Office Sprays [Office Space]
16. Harry Twatter [Harry Potter]
17. Horny Mooners [Honey Mooners]
18. House of 1,000 Torsos [House of 1,000 Corpses]
19. Tight Club [Fight Club]
20. The Secret Bimbo [The Secret Window]

Now, if this list didn't make you laugh your ass off or at least crack a smile, try to find a fucking sense of humor :]

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Apartment Life

I keep telling myself "I will never live in an apartment again!", yet I find myself living in one at the moment. I can't stand it. I always get stuck by some fucking douche bags who make my apartment life a living hell. Thank God I don't have any neighbors who share walls, but I do have a group of heathens living below me. Let me tell you a little bit about them. Just about every morning at the crack of dawn, they blare wild music from their stereo with heavy bass that vibrates up the wall and wakes me up. You see, in this apartment complex, the living room and one of the bedrooms share a wall. So when these fucking idiots blast music in their living room, it travels up said wall and I can hear it clearly. Also, they have kids who are more like untrained monkeys wreaking havoc. They scream loudly as they play in the backyard that is right outside of my bedroom window. They blow on fucking kazoos almost every day. I guess they have contests to see who can blow on one the longest. I wish one of them would just pass out and scare the other kids from blowing on any kazoo for the rest of their lives.
These kids bounce balls against the apartment building, that's right, the part that is my bedroom. Their parents argue and slam things around downstairs. The "man of the house" likes to go out to his car, pop the trunk and blare ridiculous music with bass so heavy that I kid you not, our apartment walls and floor vibrate and it wakes my kid up. I have asked them to turn it down, yet they continue to do all of this. They have a baby that screams more than any baby I've ever met. I'm not talking about crying, I'm talking screaming. It can't be older than a few months, but damn, it has some lungs on it.
You see, I know that I have people living below me, so when I first moved in, I tried to walk as quietly as I could, I kept things at a reasonable volume and made sure my kid knew not to make too much noise but now I don't even care. Fuck it. I blare movies at 2am, laugh wildly at the top of my lungs about nothing late at night. I walk as hard as possible around the apartment, and I make sure my car lights are on when I pull up to the building [since their bedroom window faces the parking lot], and sit in my car for a second, lights shining into their bedroom window.
I've been so close to opening my window and yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" so many times. Even to the kids. ALL hours of the night and day I have to listen to heavy bass, loud music, doors slamming, kazoos blowing, balls bouncing, etc. Now it's time for a little revenge. Any ideas? :]

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Welcome to Deli Hell

Never again will I work in a food-related business. Never. I can't stand the employees who get God complexes just because they're manager, assistant manager, or shift leader of a fast food business. I can't stand the picky, whiny, indecisive customers. I can't stand the way your clothes and hair smell when you get home after work.
Let me tell you a little bit about my personal experiences in working in a food-related business. I shall call this place Deli Hell. All names of the employees will be changed to protect the fucking stupid!
First off, you're forced to wear the ugliest uniforms known to mankind. As soon as you try on said uniform, you look in the mirror and mumble "Fuck my life" and hope to God no one that you know comes in while you're working. Next, you're introduced to the staff, who all seem nice enough, right? I mean...they're smiling. Then you find out why they're smiling. Since you're the new person, you've been secretly voted "slave" of the company. Everyone takes advantage of you and makes you do everything and insist that you "need to learn". They'll do this for days, even if you learn everything in 5 minutes. I mean, how long could it take someone to learn how to prep vegetables and do your end-of-shift cleaning? I learned extremely quick but I decided to secretly play dumb and milk the whole "new person" thing for what it was worth. Meaning, every time someone told me to do something, instead of their lazy asses doing it themselves, I'd pretend like I didn't know how, ask a million questions, ask them to show me how, etc.
I sat back sometimes and watched how friendly everyone was to one another, then noticed as soon as someone clocked out and went home, the others talked shit about that person and whined and bitched about something that person said or did. I decided it'd be best to keep my mouth shut when it came to the other employees. I trusted these people as far as I could throw them, which would never happen because I'd never be able to pick any of them up, considering how oddly obese they all were, even though they worked at a "healthy" deli fast food place.
Then comes the customers...you have snotty ass people come in, their noses so high in the air you think their necks will snap any second, over sized sun glasses perched atop their fried, unnatural colored hair. These people snap their orders at you and obsess over everything. "That bread's too flat. That bread's too fluffy. Those tomatoes are too ripe. That's not enough lettuce. I want three shakes of salt, one line of mayonnaise." Sometimes I just wanted to smile and tell them to fuck off, then take off my uniform and quit, like in the movies. But I stuck with it and made the fake bitches' sandwiches.
Then you have these mousy people who whisper their fucking orders. HELLO!? We have the radio going over the restaurant's speakers, and a handful of machines that hum and buzz behind me, not to mention, you're standing behind a glass sneeze guard. These people irritate me the most. Why? Because I HATE repeating myself. So after I repeatedly ask them what kind of bread or sandwich they want, and after I continually ask "What was that?" THEY have the nerve to get an attitude at me. Look, if you don't want to repeat yourself and you don't want me asking you "What was that?" a million times, talk at a reasonable fucking volume!
Now, back to the employees. Let me just tell you a little bit about each employee. You have the manager, Kathy, who was a couple years younger than me and really overweight. One of those people that think their shit don't stink, you know? One of the biggest liars I've met and a horrible one at that. I have a sixth sense...it lets me know when someone's giving me a bunch of bull. My radar was always sky high around her.
Then there's the assistant manager, Shelly. She looked like a crack whore bumpkin. Literally. Cricket teeth and everything. A bit of a bitch, too. She MIGHT have been younger than me, but if she was, she didn't show it. Could've been that she actually was older than me, or it could've been all those drugs she probably does.
Next we have a girl we'll name Dina. She was 8 months pregnant, but you can tell she was naturally fat before the pregnancy. Another cracked out bumpkin.
Then there was Steph, she was shift leader most of the times I worked. My impression of her: stuck up, fake, two-faced, moody, bitchy, etc. She REALLY let the whole "Shift Leader" thing get to her head. She was my age.
Now, all of these employees were THE most uneducated people I had ever met in my life. I felt like I was losing IQ points just by working around them. Most of them had been employed there for years. That's nice and all, but um...who honestly wants to make a career out of working at Deli Hell? I guess uneducated country bumpkins who never saw the inside of too many class rooms and who probably wouldn't know a High School Diploma or text book if one of them slapped them in the face.
I remember one conversation clearly. I was prepping some vegetables while fat ass Dina and bitchy Steph talked about how much they loved porn. I simply said "That's so degrading to women." and they looked at me and Dina asked "What's that mean?" And you see, I have an extraordinary vocabulary, but when it comes to explaining the meanings of some of those words, I'm at a loss. Not that it would've mattered to these idiots. I tried to put it in the simplest way I could. So I said "You know in school if you get an A, that's good? Well let's say the teacher decided to take your grade down to an F. That'd be bad...it'd be DEGRADING." Dina and Steph looked at me, looked at each other, then Dina said "But porn's rated R." [insert record scratching noise] Ok, what!?! First off...porn is NOT rated R! You dumb fucking bitch! Secondly, that has NOTHING to do with what I said! Ugh, I gave up and went back to my work.
This was the worst job I had ever had. I'd love to go on but this post is getting extremely long. I might post more later in a post titled, "Welcome to Deli Hell 2", fitting, huh? :]

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Driving Lessons 101

1. Forget all about those things called turn signals; everyone loves it when you keep them guessing.
2. So much excitement comes from merely tapping on the brake pedal repeatedly for no apparent fucking reason. Ignore the angry faces of those behind you, they haven't discovered the joys of brake tapping yet.
3. When it comes to using your brights, go ahead and use them whenever you feel it's necessary, even if there are cars up ahead of you.
4. Hands? Who said you need to drive with your hands? That's so 2008! Everyone drives with their knees nowadays.
5. Speed limit signs are only suggestions. No one really expects you to follow them.
6. Stop signs are only for decoration. They're placed to simply add "pop" to a neighborhood so feel free to blow right through them, even if small children are at play.
7. Cell phones were made so that you could talk on them while you drive. DUH!

Is this what the new driving instructors are teaching their students? Sure seems like it. Fucking idiots.
If I were in charge of all of this, you would NOT be allowed to get your license until you were 19 years of age. There's no way in hell a 16 year old is mature enough to drive without adult supervision.
I'd also make it so that you'd have to retake the actual driving test every 5 years until you hit 65, then it'd just automatically be revoked.
I'd make the driving test like an amusement ride, with a sign saying "You must be THIS tall to drive." Anyone under a certain height wouldn't be allowed to drive. Why the hell do they even give tests to people who can't see over the fucking steering wheel?
I guess all of you ignorant, stupid ass drivers should be lucky I'm not president.